50 Funny Quotes
The best fun quotes to make you chuckle!
Witty sayings, fun observations, and humerous quotes about family, people, friends and life. Enjoy, smile, laugh and reuse to make your friends laugh too.
Funny Quotes
- "The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
- Al McGuire - "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
- Will Rogers - "How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell 'bingo!'"
- Unkown - "I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out."
- Unknown - "Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"
- Robin Williams - "I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside."
- Ken Dodd - "Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else."
- Margaret Mead - "I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical."
- Arthur C. Clarke - "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."
- Miles Kington - "War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography."
- Ambrose Bierce - "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says “I’m possible!"
- Audrey Hepburn - "I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
- Rita Rudner - "Police officer: “Pull over.”Harry: “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing."
- Harry Dunne (Jeff Daniels), Dumb and Dumber - "I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."
- Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office - "I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
- Groucho Marx - "As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two."
- Norman Wisdom - "Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on."
- Billy Connolly - "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it."
- Bob Hope - "I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them."
- Phyllis Diller - "The nicest feeling in the world is to do a good deed anonymously-and have somebody find out."
- Oscar Wilde - "Why do people say 'no offense' right before they're about to offend you?"
- Unknown - "The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
- Steven Wright - "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day."
- A. A. Milne - "I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
- Groucho Marx - "At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other."
- Ann Landers - "When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway."
- Erma Bombeck - "The four most beautiful words in our common language:
I told you so."
- Gore Vidal - "People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there."
- Dolly Parton - "My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf."
- Emilia Clarke - "Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia."
- Charles Schulz - "Misers aren’t fun to live with, but they make wonderful ancestors."
- David Brenner - "When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."
- Nora Ephron - "Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."
- Albert Einstein - "Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."
- Dale Carnegie - "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
- Jack Nicholson - "Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house."
- Rod Stewart - "I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
-Steven Wright - "From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge."
- Jarod Kintz - "I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"
- Paul Merton - "If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail."
- Ricky Gervais - "Writing is like getting married. One should never commit oneself until one is amazed at one’s luck."
- Iris Murdoch - "A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist."
- Franklin Jones - "Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television."
- David Letterman - "According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."
- Jerry Seinfeld - "Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong."
- Unknown - "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are."
- Will Ferrell - "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
- Albert Einstein - "We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together."
- Rodney Dangerfield - "Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert HubbardHalloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve."
- David Letterman - "Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve."
- David Letterman
